Here’s an easy way to notice how you communicate when you want to influence someone to do something. It is a simple, practical model that comes from Interstrength Associates and we cover it in our Understanding Yourself and Others workshop.

We all have a place of comfort along a continuum that extends from purely “Directing” all the way to purely “Informing” others. Take a look along the line and see which phrasing feels most comfortable to you and sounds like how you would express your need to others.

There are times when speaking from either extremity of the continuum is appropriate and not disconcerting to those who receive your message.

• When you choose speak from the directing end, it is usually because of a time pressure and/or the need to focus laser-like on the task at-hand. This context enables your demand not to come across as inappropriately bossy.
• Totally informing language works well when you want to motivate people to choose to do the action or when you want to enroll them in a wider process.

Those situations aside, a problem arises when a manager needs to get greater buy-in and participation from his or her people but is habitually directive in his/her speech. I encounter problems more often, however, in bosses who are looking to come across more assertively but continue to speak in a strongly informative style. Words do make a difference. Usually, if a non-assertive manager consciously adopts a more directive delivery, over time he/she will become comfortable with how that sounds and will incorporate it into his/her default speaking style. As a result, he/she will come across as more assertive and confident in situations that call for this.

Does what you say when influencing your staff project the “you” you want them to experience?